I love weddings. Couples, marriage, and children still make me nervous, but there is little I enjoy more than a friend’s wedding. This is especially true when I’m in the wedding party. When you’re in the wedding party, you have the chance to get to see the whole operation. Free meals, early groundwork conversations with the bridesmaids, and minor celebrity status for the night are just a few of the benefits. You may not be John or Paul, but you can at least be George.
And although Kevin and Lynn had the gall to only have two groomsmen and relegate me to the position of usher, I was still very excited for their big day. Chris was the best man and Reid and Jeff were the other two ushers, so I knew we have a good time playing poker while waiting for the ceremony. And the wedding was very nice. The bride looked beautiful, no one flubbed their lines, and Kevin even won me $5 off of Chris by not crying during the wedding ceremony (although he didn’t pay me!).
But everyone knows the wedding is only for the couple and their families. The rest of us just smile, nod our heads, and try not to be conspicuous about checking our watches as we wait for the reception to commence. This reception had numerous factors that made it likely to be a particularly debaucherous one. The night doubled as Blake’s 30th birthday, Rob and Swick showed up without their wives, Dave brought his, Jennifer didn’t drink the night before, it was Alex and Lisa’s first wedding since their own, and I brought Julia with me to add to the fun. Oh, and Jeff was there. That last one is usually enough on its own to make any open bar an event. The following is a list of awards that I am giving out from the reception and post-party. If these awards seem a little me-centric, it is because a)I was in especially rare form, and b) I didn’t have the opportunity to do a full Sunday morning recap with everyone due to travel plans. If you have any other memories, please feel free to share them in the comments section. Here are the best of my drunken memories:
BEST STORYTELLER – Julia, “The Nora Chronicles” – Within minutes of arriving at the reception, Julia asked me if I knew Nora. Nora is a running friend of Kevin’s who I had met a few times before. When I said I did, Julia presented me with her theory (I’m paraphrasing): “She sat in front of me at the wedding and I could tell right away she was a runner, so I started talking her. I asked her if she was friends with the bride or the groom, she said groom, so I asked her how she knew him. She said, “Well, we ran together.” So I said, “Were you running partners?” and she said, “Well…we used to be. Kevin doesn’t run much anymore”. And the way, she said it, it was just so sad. So I watched her during the wedding and at the reception and I’m convinced that Nora is in love with Kevin.” I kind of laughed Julia’s theory off at first, but as I watched her at the reception I was nearly convinced
BEST INSTIGATOR – Sui – I’m always equal parts excited and nervous when I’m out with Sui. If you have never been out with her before, she is a force of nature. I don’t think there was a moment I didn’t have at least one drink in my hand, a fact that I blame partially on Sui. And I definitely blame some of my later actions on her, as well.
BEST BEST MAN – Chris – I am good friends with Chris, but we are not particularly close. I still think that I might make him my best man, just because he did such a good job at Kevin’s wedding. He found poker chips for the groomsmen and ushers before the wedding. He took videos at the reception (we’ll hear more about these later) and managed to be an annoyingly probing interviewer. He also gave a fantastic best man speech. And this was even without his best line, which he was afraid might be too vulgar for some of the crowd. “The reason Kevin is really marrying Lynn is because she is the only woman in Kevin’s life that Munoz hasn’t slept with.”
BEST WING MAN – Lynn’s maid of honor’s father (MOFH) – Early in the night, MOFH overheard Jeff tell a girl that he was shipping out in the morning. Suitably impressed, the MOFH kept track of Jeff the rest of the night, periodically quoting him back the best lines that he overheard.
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A BUDDY COMEDY – Julia, Lisa, & Sui – Before the wedding, Julia was a little worried about not knowing too many people and feeling awkward at the wedding. Fortunately Sui (who she knew from Boston) and Lisa (who we stayed with in Atlanta) helped make this a non-issue. Every time I looked over, they were dancing, chatting, or laughing uproariously. Occasionally, I’d step over and hear some story that I didn’t want to. My favorite moment was when one of them decided that they had had enough of the reception. Her alternate suggestion, “Let’s go get some pot, smoke it, and then go get cupcakes from the cupcake trailer!” She very nearly won everyone over.
MOST TROUBLESOME OMEN FOR FUTURE WEDDINGS – The Garter Toss – With yet another wedding, the pool of “single” guys trying to catch the garter is getting noticeably smaller. Out of my friends, only Blake (serious relationship), Reid (new, but seemingly serious relationship), Jeff, and I were out there trying to catch it. I’m having this recurring nightmare of being out there by myself at Jeff’s wedding one day…
MOST LIKELY TO GIVE ALEX NIGHTMARES – Lisa and Reena , talking – Speaking of bad dreams, late in the reception I saw Lisa’s wife and his ex chatting like old friends. I looked at Alex, searching for comforting words, and he just said “I know, buddy. I know.”
BEST DANCERS – Jim Rammage & Julia – Several drinks into the night and nearing the end of the reception, I had a brainstorm. I grabbed Julia’s hand and led her over to Kevin’s parents. I asked Marianne to dance, and Julia immediately recognized what was going on and offered Jim her hands. At this point (at least in my drunken imagination) the dance floor cleared. While Marianne and I enjoyed a simple dance, I looked over to see Jim twirling Julia around the dance floor. They looked like they were competing on “Dancing With The Stars”. It is probably my favorite memory of the whole night.
BEST VIDEO CAMEOS – Me – All night, Chris was taking videos using his new cell phone sized digital video camera. I filmed my first video before the wedding, basically congratulating the couple and wishing them well. At the reception, though, things got a little dicier. Chris spent the reception interviewing some of the guests for “Advice for the Wedding Couple from Single People”. Basically, I think this was his way of winding up Jeff and I and watching us go. At the beginning of the night, I did a good job of keeping my dignity and avoiding Chris’s camera. Towards the end of the reception, however, I clearly decided that there had to be video evidence of how drunk I was. Judge for yourself, but I’m not sure which of my three videos is my favorite. Is it:
a)Interrupting Jennifer’s video in attempts to embarrass her, only to have Chris turn the tables by saying, “You two used to be a couple. What did you do wrong that Kevin and Lynn can learn from?”
b)Pretending to be Reena’s fiancé in her video, talking about how much I spent on her ring, and encouraging the couple to “have lots of sex”.
c)Post-reception, insisting on a do-over of my video with Jennifer where I explained exactly where our relationship went wrong. In my opinion, we only worked when we were both drunk. Direct quote – “If we main-lined alcohol 24/7, then we would be great together.
BEST ROOMMATES – Jeff & Reid – In addition to letting my friends and I stay at their apartment, it was adorable to watch Reid take care of Jeff. After the reception, a large group of us decided to continue the night downtown. As Reid put it, this is where Jeff turned the corner. He was stopping every two steps to try to talk to every single girl he saw. Pick-up lines included such gems as “Nice brown hair!” and “Good job being skinny!” At this point, Reid realized that they were never going to make it to the bar unless he took control, so he grabbed Jeff by the collar of his coat and literally steered him through the streets of Austin.
STORY I’D MOST LIKE TO HEAR – Jeff’s missing 30 minutes at the Driskill hotel bar – At the reception, Jeff struck up a long conversation with Mary, a friend of Lynn and Swick’s from high school. I think he liked her, but got to a point where he was too drunk to be charming. Fast forward 3 hours, during which Jeff and Mary barely spoke. At the Driskill, Mary said her goodbyes and left to catch a cab. Jeff followed her out matter-of-factly, as if it was a foregone conclusion that they would leave together. Everyone laughed and expected Jeff to return immediately. Surprisingly, he didn’t. After 30 minutes, Reid decided that he had to investigate the situation and prepared for a long search to locate Jeff. Fortunately, the search ended immediately. He found Jeff standing quietly by himself in a corner near the front of the hotel.
Smoothest Moves (Part 1) – Me, trying to hit on Jen at the Driskill – At some point, I decided that Jennifer and I were both drunk enough to be compatible again. I was right that we were both drunk enough, but the compatibility was a big question. I am not exactly sure what I said, but I did succeed in getting her to sit on my lap. Then I used my most subtle lines like “We should go home together…you know, for fun”. The fact that she was staying with her parents and I was sharing a living room with 5 other people didn’t dissuade me, but amazingly she managed to decline.
Smoothest Moves (Part 2) – Me (a few minutes later) – Ok, at this point I was really drunk. I’m guessing that I was drunker than I realized, because this story doesn’t make any sense the way that I remember it. If anyone witnessed it, feel free to correct me. But since all we have is my fuzzy recall, I’ll proceed with my version of the story. I was talking to this girl that I had briefly spoken to at the wedding when she tried to teach me the Thriller dance (The next day, I learned her name was Anne and that she is one of Reid’s friends). Anyways, I remember walking up to her and telling her to go around the corner with me “so that people will think we are making out”. Amazingly, she followed. And more amazingly, she started making out with me. (Does this sound like a realistic chain of events to you? Me neither. But that is what I remember). Clearly, this was way more than I bargained for. I pulled away and yelped, “I have a date!” She asked “Is she your girlfriend?” and I think I turned around long enough to say no as I ran to the safety of Julia. So, Anne, if you are reading, no hard feelings?
Most Successful Tantrum – Me, again– When I finally made it back to Jeff’s apartment, Emlen claims it was the drunken that she had ever seen me. Even though everyone was sleeping, I made a lot of noise demanding that someone help me find my pillow. After a few minutes of carrying on, someone finally relented and gave me a spare pillow. Flush with success, I found myself a spot on the floor and promptly fell asleep…2 inches from my pillow.
What I’m Listening To: Hangover Days – Jason Collett, The King of Carrot Flowers – Neutral Milk Hotel, & I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother’s Heart – The White Stripes
Next Stop: Roswell & Santa Fe, NM
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