After a month on the road, sometimes all you want to do is veg out on the couch in front of some bad television. Or at least that is the best excuse I can come up with as to why we ended up spending our first night in Omaha watching the entire two hour finale of The Bachelorette. Throughout the show (which was every bit as glorious as you might expect), they kept showing ads encouraging viewers to apply to be on the next season of The Bachelor. Although I’m sure these ads were targeting their single female viewers (I was probably one of 10 single straight males watching), my mom suggested that I should apply to be the next “Bachelor”. My mom is not one of those overbearing moms you see on television, so I assumed she was making a joke and I initially laughed it off. After she repeated the suggestion a few more times over the next hour, I began to worry. Clearly, her grandbaby biological clock was ticking. I didn’t have ii in me to break her heart by listing all of the reasons that the show’s producers might find me inadequate, so I began to think of a way to make her new dream a reality. It is a one in a billion chance, but I think I have figured out a way that it could happen. The show’s producers would have to be replaced by someone inspired by the Cleveland Indians’ owner from the movie Major League.
If you are not familiar with the movie Major League, the plot is set in motion by a former Las Vegas showgirl who inherits ownership of the Cleveland Indians when her husband dies. She wants to move the team to a warmer climate, but can only do so if attendance is so low that it voids her stadium lease with the city of Cleveland. To accomplish this goal, she attempts to make the team as bad as humanly possible. Comedy ensues.
So, in summary, the only way that I could conceive of to become “The Bachelor” is if the producer’s decide that they want to sabotage their own show and lose as many viewers as possible. Yes, that is more than a little humbling.
If the current producers get replaced, maybe this isn’t such a long shot. I can think of numerous reasons why someone would nurse a grudge against the show. Maybe the new producer is a reject from one of the older seasons. Maybe he or she is a minority who is tired of all of the African-American contestants always making it through exactly two episodes (to prove the bachelor/bachelorette isn’t prejudiced), before being dismissed in episode three. Maybe this producer just has a modicum of respect for women.
If any of my readers happen to be an ABC television producer, consider this my official application. Sure, the women might be a little confused when they step out of the limo and see me, but they will probably just assume I’m rich. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening! That said, I’m sure that I could get most of the 25 women to profess their love with me. Doubt me? Have you ever seen that show? Some combination of the cameras, the exotic locales, and the pheromones of desperation in the air would make most of the contestants they choose declare their devotion to a stone pillar. Even if I fail, it would still be a ratings killer to watch woman after woman reject my rose. And no, that is not a euphemism.
Old columns about Omaha can be found here and here.
Next Stop: Milwaukee
What I’m Listening To: Knife – Grizzly Bear, Easy – Deer Tick, Sugarfoot – Black Joe Lewis & the Honeybears
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Why Denver Might Not Be All Bad
I have always written the Denver/Boulder area off. I have lots of friends who love the area and it is undoubtedly beautiful, but it never struck me as a place I’d want to live. I’m not exactly sure why. Since I have never been a skier or snowboarder, I half expected alarm bells would sound when I entered the city limits. Maybe it is because University of Colorado fans are assholes (take it from a Nebraskan…true fact) so I extrapolated that to include all Coloradans. If nothing else, I always pictured Colorado as being very cold. After living in Boston for two years, wherever I go next will have to be warm.
My short time here definitely caused me to reconsider the city’s merits. The best kept secret about Denver is that its winters aren’t too cold. In the mountains, it is, but the city itself really isn’t too bad. Plus, I have a few friends in town. Sarah and Dane live here…Susan and Aaron are moving to Boulder next month. And I guess it isn’t even too late for me to take up skiing. Who wouldn’t want to watch me barreling over kindergartners on the bunny slope?
The highlight of my brief time in the city was having dinner at Sarah and Dane’s house. I hadn’t seen either of them in at least two years, and probably hadn’t hung out with either of them regularly in at least five. Even though they’re married, have careers, and deal with real life issues while I am still working on my beer pong game, our conversation picked up as if we had just seen each other weeks before. It definitely made me realize how much I miss seeing them.
Sarah had to be at work early the next day, so I took Dane on a man-date to meet up with my friends and go see 500 Days of Summer (for a 2nd time for me). Most people really enjoyed it, but I think Dane found it a little corny. Despite my unconditional love for the movie, I understand his point. Your enjoyment of the movie probably depends on where you fall on the Pushing Daisies scale. Pushing Daisies is a recently canceled ABC comedy-drama that definitely divided audiences. Watch one episode and you’ll likely know if it is for you. Its fans found it magical, charming, and clever, while its detractors thought it was cheesy, self-indulgent, and painfully overdone. Depending on your tastes, Daisies is either whimsical or corny. If you are a fan, you will love 500 Days of Summer.
What I’m Listening To: I’ll Be Your Man – The Black Keys, Headdress – Amazing Baby, The One You Really Love – Magnetic Fields
Next Stop - Omaha
My short time here definitely caused me to reconsider the city’s merits. The best kept secret about Denver is that its winters aren’t too cold. In the mountains, it is, but the city itself really isn’t too bad. Plus, I have a few friends in town. Sarah and Dane live here…Susan and Aaron are moving to Boulder next month. And I guess it isn’t even too late for me to take up skiing. Who wouldn’t want to watch me barreling over kindergartners on the bunny slope?
The highlight of my brief time in the city was having dinner at Sarah and Dane’s house. I hadn’t seen either of them in at least two years, and probably hadn’t hung out with either of them regularly in at least five. Even though they’re married, have careers, and deal with real life issues while I am still working on my beer pong game, our conversation picked up as if we had just seen each other weeks before. It definitely made me realize how much I miss seeing them.
Sarah had to be at work early the next day, so I took Dane on a man-date to meet up with my friends and go see 500 Days of Summer (for a 2nd time for me). Most people really enjoyed it, but I think Dane found it a little corny. Despite my unconditional love for the movie, I understand his point. Your enjoyment of the movie probably depends on where you fall on the Pushing Daisies scale. Pushing Daisies is a recently canceled ABC comedy-drama that definitely divided audiences. Watch one episode and you’ll likely know if it is for you. Its fans found it magical, charming, and clever, while its detractors thought it was cheesy, self-indulgent, and painfully overdone. Depending on your tastes, Daisies is either whimsical or corny. If you are a fan, you will love 500 Days of Summer.
What I’m Listening To: I’ll Be Your Man – The Black Keys, Headdress – Amazing Baby, The One You Really Love – Magnetic Fields
Next Stop - Omaha
Sunday, July 26, 2009
What I Learned in Big Sky Country
Lesson # 1 – Do Not Eat Chinese Food in Twin Falls, Idaho
It is inevitable that you will learn lessons on the road…some are just harder than others.
Lesson #2 – We Don’t Fit In Well to the Bar Scene in Montana
The bar that we went to in West Yellowstone, Montana would have been an ideal location to film Road House 3: Return of the Swayze (Believe it or not, there already was a Road House 2). Most of the guys were in full rodeo gear. The women looked like they were the inspiration for Friday Night Light’s Tyra Collette. Beers were $1.75. Somehow, we stumbled into a local bar in a tourist town.
If I was a fiction writer, I would have a great story involving pitchers of beer, local girls, bar brawls & reconciliation. Unfortunately, reality isn’t as exciting. For some reason, we chose this locale to have our deepest group conversation of the trip. Instead of the merits of Miller vs. Coors, we ended up talking about the power of language, societal double standards, and when it is appropriate or necessary to intervene in the problems of others. Sigh…the problem with having smart and introspective friends is that it sometimes gets in the way of a good time.
Lesson # 3 – It is Easy to Become Spoiled
Yellowstone National Park is everything it is cracked up to be. Any photograph you take here is a postcard worthy picture. What I found the most amazing is how numerous and different the landscapes are throughout the park. Depending on where you were, you could see mountains or plains, canyons or lakes, geysers or waterfalls. It was like walking through one of those Six Flags parks, where you can travel from the medieval Europe to ancient Japan in the matter of a few city blocks.
After driving through so much beauty in such a short time, you can’t help but take it for granted. When we first drove into the park, we’d stop to take photos for five minutes every time we saw an elk. We nearly had an epileptic fit the first time we saw a buffalo. By our second day in the park, we were much too seasoned for that. We barely slowed down if we passed a herd of bison. We openly mocked the tourists who held up traffic to take a photo of a deer on the side of the road. This didn’t just apply to wildlife. A 300-foot waterfall seemed insignificant when we had seen a 400-foot one yesterday. It was hard to get worked up about a giant multi-colored canyon when we had seen the GRAND Canyon the week before. Leaving Yellowstone, it was official. We had become travel snobs.
What I’m Listening To: Why Do You Let Me Stay Here? – She & Him, Throw the Jew Down the Well – Borat, Dressed to Digress – Boy Crisis
Next Stop: Denver, CO
It is inevitable that you will learn lessons on the road…some are just harder than others.
Lesson #2 – We Don’t Fit In Well to the Bar Scene in Montana
The bar that we went to in West Yellowstone, Montana would have been an ideal location to film Road House 3: Return of the Swayze (Believe it or not, there already was a Road House 2). Most of the guys were in full rodeo gear. The women looked like they were the inspiration for Friday Night Light’s Tyra Collette. Beers were $1.75. Somehow, we stumbled into a local bar in a tourist town.
If I was a fiction writer, I would have a great story involving pitchers of beer, local girls, bar brawls & reconciliation. Unfortunately, reality isn’t as exciting. For some reason, we chose this locale to have our deepest group conversation of the trip. Instead of the merits of Miller vs. Coors, we ended up talking about the power of language, societal double standards, and when it is appropriate or necessary to intervene in the problems of others. Sigh…the problem with having smart and introspective friends is that it sometimes gets in the way of a good time.
Lesson # 3 – It is Easy to Become Spoiled
Yellowstone National Park is everything it is cracked up to be. Any photograph you take here is a postcard worthy picture. What I found the most amazing is how numerous and different the landscapes are throughout the park. Depending on where you were, you could see mountains or plains, canyons or lakes, geysers or waterfalls. It was like walking through one of those Six Flags parks, where you can travel from the medieval Europe to ancient Japan in the matter of a few city blocks.
After driving through so much beauty in such a short time, you can’t help but take it for granted. When we first drove into the park, we’d stop to take photos for five minutes every time we saw an elk. We nearly had an epileptic fit the first time we saw a buffalo. By our second day in the park, we were much too seasoned for that. We barely slowed down if we passed a herd of bison. We openly mocked the tourists who held up traffic to take a photo of a deer on the side of the road. This didn’t just apply to wildlife. A 300-foot waterfall seemed insignificant when we had seen a 400-foot one yesterday. It was hard to get worked up about a giant multi-colored canyon when we had seen the GRAND Canyon the week before. Leaving Yellowstone, it was official. We had become travel snobs.
What I’m Listening To: Why Do You Let Me Stay Here? – She & Him, Throw the Jew Down the Well – Borat, Dressed to Digress – Boy Crisis
Next Stop: Denver, CO
Thursday, July 23, 2009
What I Know About California
I have never spent more than a few days in California, but I watch enough television and movies to feel like I know it much better than I actually do. Somewhere between The Hills and The Shield, I learned both where to eat sushi and why I should avoid Armenians. The O.C. taught me where the well-heeled live and which side of the tracks to avoid. Definite images spring to mind when I hear Wilshire Blvd, Lombard St., Castro, Rodeo Dr., and Silver Lake. I also know that we all should eventually move there because the weather is nearly perfect.
Over our four days in California on this trip, we got to go to a game at Dodger Stadium, drive up the coast on scenic Route 1, do a few winery visits, and go to Monterey Bay Aquarium (well…everyone but me). It was very relaxed, and I think that everyone had a good time. If I’m honest, though, my favorite part of this leg was that I got to get away from everyone for a little bit and go to the movies. I’m a person who needs a lot of time to myself, so traveling in a minivan for weeks at a time is a little trying (and I’m sure traveling with me is too). I snuck away to the quiet of the movie theaters a few times in California…here are my quick thoughts on what I saw. There may be some mild spoilers:
Public Enemies – This is one of those mediocre movies that probably had a great movie lurking inside. Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, and Billy Crudup all gave interesting, nuanced performances and Michael Mann’s direction was occasionally very artful, but there always seemed to be something missing. It was never slow and most of the scenes were interesting as one-offs, but they didn’t seem to fit together well or build off one another. I imagine it is one of those movies that will be infinitely re-watchable on cable in a few years, but I came away a little disappointed. It could have been more.
Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince – I don’t remember if it was my sister Meaghan or one of the Rammages who originally got me into the Harry Potter series, but I’m glad they did (I do remember that Kevin correctly predicted that Emma Watson was going to grow up to be hot…she was 11 at the time). The books were as page-turning as can be and the last few movies have been consistently strong. This one was no exception. The action becomes tenser and a beloved character dies, but this one dually plays as a teenage romantic comedy. I definitely enjoyed it, but I wonder how difficult it would have been to follow for someone who has never read the book. Even though it runs 2-and-a-half hours, it feels rushed at points and probably could have benefited from greater exposition. This is just nitpicky, though…these problems are unavoidable when trying to condense and 800 page book.
Bruno – This movie is exactly what you expect. Hit and miss jokes. Lots of male nudity. Plenty of jokes at the expense of the homophobic. Some staged scenes. Any movie that targets the intolerant can’t be all bad and there are a few classic scenes (such as the stage parent interviews), but overall I was pretty underwhelmed.
Transformers II: Whatever the Generic Subtitle is that I am Too Lazy to Look Up – Didn’t actually pay for this one, but I had two hours to kill as I waited for 500 Days of Summer. Missed the beginning, missed the ending, but doubt I missed much. If you thought you would like this movie, you probably already saw it and realized how terribly, terribly wrong you were.
500 Days of Summer – I almost feel bad reviewing this movie, because my praise is going to be so hyperbolic that I’m sure it will eventually cause some of you to be let down by it. This movie absolutely owned me. I had very high hopes, but they were exceeded in every respect. It was clever, it was sad. It was witty, thorny, and joyous. There were more scenes than I could count that left me with a smile that I couldn’t remove. There were scenes where the pain was visceral. The soundtrack was fantastic. Zooey Deschanel is my (and everybody else’s) celebrity crush. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was my favorite actor before I saw this movie…now I’m certain that he is about to become a household name. It is only July, but I’d be shocked if I see a movie that I like more all year. Just see it.
The Hurt Locker – 500 Days of Summer is my favorite movie of the year, but The Hurt Locker may very well be the best movie. This is the type of movie that should win multiple Oscars, but will be lucky to even sniff a nomination. Iraq war movies have notoriously poor at the box office, but this one deserves to be the exception. It is haunting, tense, and claustrophobic. Jeremy Renner and Anthony Mackie are fantastic in the lead roles.
What I’m Listening To: Sweet Disposition – Temper Trap, Here Comes Your Man – The Pixies, & There Goes The Fear – The Doves
Next Stop – Twin Falls, Idaho
Over our four days in California on this trip, we got to go to a game at Dodger Stadium, drive up the coast on scenic Route 1, do a few winery visits, and go to Monterey Bay Aquarium (well…everyone but me). It was very relaxed, and I think that everyone had a good time. If I’m honest, though, my favorite part of this leg was that I got to get away from everyone for a little bit and go to the movies. I’m a person who needs a lot of time to myself, so traveling in a minivan for weeks at a time is a little trying (and I’m sure traveling with me is too). I snuck away to the quiet of the movie theaters a few times in California…here are my quick thoughts on what I saw. There may be some mild spoilers:
Public Enemies – This is one of those mediocre movies that probably had a great movie lurking inside. Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, and Billy Crudup all gave interesting, nuanced performances and Michael Mann’s direction was occasionally very artful, but there always seemed to be something missing. It was never slow and most of the scenes were interesting as one-offs, but they didn’t seem to fit together well or build off one another. I imagine it is one of those movies that will be infinitely re-watchable on cable in a few years, but I came away a little disappointed. It could have been more.
Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince – I don’t remember if it was my sister Meaghan or one of the Rammages who originally got me into the Harry Potter series, but I’m glad they did (I do remember that Kevin correctly predicted that Emma Watson was going to grow up to be hot…she was 11 at the time). The books were as page-turning as can be and the last few movies have been consistently strong. This one was no exception. The action becomes tenser and a beloved character dies, but this one dually plays as a teenage romantic comedy. I definitely enjoyed it, but I wonder how difficult it would have been to follow for someone who has never read the book. Even though it runs 2-and-a-half hours, it feels rushed at points and probably could have benefited from greater exposition. This is just nitpicky, though…these problems are unavoidable when trying to condense and 800 page book.
Bruno – This movie is exactly what you expect. Hit and miss jokes. Lots of male nudity. Plenty of jokes at the expense of the homophobic. Some staged scenes. Any movie that targets the intolerant can’t be all bad and there are a few classic scenes (such as the stage parent interviews), but overall I was pretty underwhelmed.
Transformers II: Whatever the Generic Subtitle is that I am Too Lazy to Look Up – Didn’t actually pay for this one, but I had two hours to kill as I waited for 500 Days of Summer. Missed the beginning, missed the ending, but doubt I missed much. If you thought you would like this movie, you probably already saw it and realized how terribly, terribly wrong you were.
500 Days of Summer – I almost feel bad reviewing this movie, because my praise is going to be so hyperbolic that I’m sure it will eventually cause some of you to be let down by it. This movie absolutely owned me. I had very high hopes, but they were exceeded in every respect. It was clever, it was sad. It was witty, thorny, and joyous. There were more scenes than I could count that left me with a smile that I couldn’t remove. There were scenes where the pain was visceral. The soundtrack was fantastic. Zooey Deschanel is my (and everybody else’s) celebrity crush. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was my favorite actor before I saw this movie…now I’m certain that he is about to become a household name. It is only July, but I’d be shocked if I see a movie that I like more all year. Just see it.
The Hurt Locker – 500 Days of Summer is my favorite movie of the year, but The Hurt Locker may very well be the best movie. This is the type of movie that should win multiple Oscars, but will be lucky to even sniff a nomination. Iraq war movies have notoriously poor at the box office, but this one deserves to be the exception. It is haunting, tense, and claustrophobic. Jeremy Renner and Anthony Mackie are fantastic in the lead roles.
What I’m Listening To: Sweet Disposition – Temper Trap, Here Comes Your Man – The Pixies, & There Goes The Fear – The Doves
Next Stop – Twin Falls, Idaho
Saturday, July 18, 2009
How Las Vegas Never Fails
"Wait...I won? I won!!!"
Usually when I go to Las Vegas, I know exactly what I am going to get. The formula for a two day trip is usually something like this: 100% male (90% degenerate gamblers) = 28 (hours gambling) + 4 (hours eating) + 6 (bar hours) + 2 (pool hours) + 2 (strip club hours) + 6 (hours sleeping). This time, though, I wasn’t sure what I was getting into. What kind of equation would 50% male (33% degenerate) produce? I have to admit I was a little nervous. The tourist activities were sure to increase. This was the first time in Vegas for 4 of them and all were saying things like, “I’m going to play a hand or two of blackjack, but I don’t want to lose more than $20.”
On our first night in town, we were all a little tired. We had woken up at the Grand Canyon that morning at 4:00 AM to catch the sunrise and no one had managed to nap much. It was Julia’s last night of traveling with us, so everyone fought through. But my hopes weren’t too high. We started our night with a fantastic meal at the Bellagio buffet, but my fears began to come true right after dinner. We watched the water show and wandered the strip for about 20 minutes, but soon all of the girls decided their high heels were hurting their feet and headed back to Bally’s (our hotel) with Truong. Jon and I stayed out to gamble a little, but we couldn’t find a cheap blackjack table at the run down strip casinos. I don’t understand it…the Bellagio and the Wynn are offering $10 tables on weekend nights, but the likes of the Imperial Palace or O’Shea’s don’t offer $5 tables on week nights? What gives? The night’s momentum was nonexistent, so we headed back to Bally’s.
When we got back, I ran into Julia, Emlen, and Truong (now all in sandals) lurking at the edge of the $10 “Party Pit” Blackjack Tables. I’m not sure if the gambling or the nineties hip-hop was the bigger draw, but Julia and I sat down to play a few hands. Before the first hand, Julia was asking questions and I was patiently answering. “Yes, you put the money on the table and the dealer will give you chips.” “This is what you do if you want another card, this is the symbol to stay.” “You have to bet at least $10 on every hand.” After a few more questions, Julia politely informed our dealer that it was her first time. Our dealer, a nice woman in her twenties named Jenny, responded dryly, “I can tell.”
We held steady for a few hands, but quickly began to win more than we were losing. After a few more seats opened up, Truong and Emlen joined us and we all kept winning. Playing blackjack with first-timers is a little bit like re-watching old Disney movies with children…you don’t care so much about your own enjoyment, because you are too busy watching them to see how they are reacting. Thanks to a friendly string of dealer busts, everyone was having a lot of fun. As long as “Jenny from the block” (a Julia-ism) was our dealer, we couldn’t lose.
Before we sat down, the table was dead. It is amazing how quickly a table comes alive when a pretty girl starts winning. Within ten hands, Julia had everybody talking and cheering for each other. In ten more hands, she was fist bumping the dealer. In another twenty, she had convinced a reserved sixty year old man to wear Mardi Gras beads and was high-fiving a man who had seemed too cool for school just five minutes earlier.
After another hour or so our luck began to turn, but we all left the table up $50 - $200. After the financial Armageddon that was the Kevin-Alex bachelor party, it was amazing to go to sleep in Vegas with everyone up on the house. This WAS different than any other Vegas trip that I had ever been on, but there haven’t been many that I have enjoyed more.
What I’m Listening To: Little Secrets – Passion Pit, Help I’m Alive – Metric, & Pale Blue Eyes – The Velvet Underground
Next Stop: Los Angeles
Usually when I go to Las Vegas, I know exactly what I am going to get. The formula for a two day trip is usually something like this: 100% male (90% degenerate gamblers) = 28 (hours gambling) + 4 (hours eating) + 6 (bar hours) + 2 (pool hours) + 2 (strip club hours) + 6 (hours sleeping). This time, though, I wasn’t sure what I was getting into. What kind of equation would 50% male (33% degenerate) produce? I have to admit I was a little nervous. The tourist activities were sure to increase. This was the first time in Vegas for 4 of them and all were saying things like, “I’m going to play a hand or two of blackjack, but I don’t want to lose more than $20.”
On our first night in town, we were all a little tired. We had woken up at the Grand Canyon that morning at 4:00 AM to catch the sunrise and no one had managed to nap much. It was Julia’s last night of traveling with us, so everyone fought through. But my hopes weren’t too high. We started our night with a fantastic meal at the Bellagio buffet, but my fears began to come true right after dinner. We watched the water show and wandered the strip for about 20 minutes, but soon all of the girls decided their high heels were hurting their feet and headed back to Bally’s (our hotel) with Truong. Jon and I stayed out to gamble a little, but we couldn’t find a cheap blackjack table at the run down strip casinos. I don’t understand it…the Bellagio and the Wynn are offering $10 tables on weekend nights, but the likes of the Imperial Palace or O’Shea’s don’t offer $5 tables on week nights? What gives? The night’s momentum was nonexistent, so we headed back to Bally’s.
When we got back, I ran into Julia, Emlen, and Truong (now all in sandals) lurking at the edge of the $10 “Party Pit” Blackjack Tables. I’m not sure if the gambling or the nineties hip-hop was the bigger draw, but Julia and I sat down to play a few hands. Before the first hand, Julia was asking questions and I was patiently answering. “Yes, you put the money on the table and the dealer will give you chips.” “This is what you do if you want another card, this is the symbol to stay.” “You have to bet at least $10 on every hand.” After a few more questions, Julia politely informed our dealer that it was her first time. Our dealer, a nice woman in her twenties named Jenny, responded dryly, “I can tell.”
We held steady for a few hands, but quickly began to win more than we were losing. After a few more seats opened up, Truong and Emlen joined us and we all kept winning. Playing blackjack with first-timers is a little bit like re-watching old Disney movies with children…you don’t care so much about your own enjoyment, because you are too busy watching them to see how they are reacting. Thanks to a friendly string of dealer busts, everyone was having a lot of fun. As long as “Jenny from the block” (a Julia-ism) was our dealer, we couldn’t lose.
Before we sat down, the table was dead. It is amazing how quickly a table comes alive when a pretty girl starts winning. Within ten hands, Julia had everybody talking and cheering for each other. In ten more hands, she was fist bumping the dealer. In another twenty, she had convinced a reserved sixty year old man to wear Mardi Gras beads and was high-fiving a man who had seemed too cool for school just five minutes earlier.
After another hour or so our luck began to turn, but we all left the table up $50 - $200. After the financial Armageddon that was the Kevin-Alex bachelor party, it was amazing to go to sleep in Vegas with everyone up on the house. This WAS different than any other Vegas trip that I had ever been on, but there haven’t been many that I have enjoyed more.
What I’m Listening To: Little Secrets – Passion Pit, Help I’m Alive – Metric, & Pale Blue Eyes – The Velvet Underground
Next Stop: Los Angeles
Thursday, July 16, 2009
How I Learned to Stop Whining and Embrace the Outdoors
Damn. This isn’t the post I intended to write. As I was sitting down a mile and a half into the Grand Canyon, facing a steep ascend of the same distance, I was ready to continue complaining about the pointless of hiking and my disconnection from nature. It is a little pathetic, but I was seriously nervous that I would not be able to make it back up. Even if I did, I couldn’t imagine that it would be anything but pointless. I felt that I was just wasting time that could have been better spent in Vegas.
The previous two days had been spent in the most beautiful areas that I have ever been. On Tuesday, we had camped amongst the Red Rocks of Arizona. The next morning, we went swimming at Slide Rock State Park near Sedona. Slide Rock is the kind of place that you imagine only exists in movies, screensavers, and thousand piece jigsaw puzzles. We spent a pretty perfect morning there…natural water slides, 8 foot “cliff diving”, and swimming was exactly what we needed. It is without question the most scenic place I have ever been. Additionally, I learned a cool piece of trivia from one of the locals. Apparently, the nearby high school in Yuma is the only high school in the country with “The Criminals” as their mascot. So if anyone is still shopping for a birthday gift for me, I highly recommend a Yuma Criminals t-shirt.
After leaving Sedona, we headed northwest to catch the sunset at the Grand Canyon. If you haven’t been before, I suggest you make a point to. As Alex said, “Sure it is a hole in the ground, but it is a REALLY BIG hole in the ground!” The sunset was amazing, something photographs don’t ever truly capture. The experience was only made better by a few of the fellow travelers that we met. There were the Philly girls who thought Truong looked like someone who could get them “some tree”. There was NRA Mike who didn’t believe in science, talked a lot about how he wanted to die, and took quite a liking to Tes. There was Robert, a friendly middle aged insurance salesman from Connecticut who we ended up talking to for nearly an hour. But my favorite has to be the 10-year-old boy who witnessed Tes and Emlen kissing and exclaimed “Grandpa! Grandpa! Look!”
The next morning, we woke up at 4:00 AM (!!!) and caught the sunrise over the Canyon. Then, we went on the previously mentioned hike. And it sucked as much as I feared. Truong and Julia coasted (even running for a brief stretch). Tes, Emlen, and Jon seemed to feel it, but never looked too stressed. It kicked my ass. If it would have been practical, I would have quit, put on my Ipod, and went back to bed. Short of a helicopter ride, though, stopping wasn’t an option. Fortunately, everyone took plenty of breaks and was very supportive. When we reached the top, I was surprised to find that I did feel like I accomplished something. I tried to repress it at first, but I couldn’t deny that I felt a real rush coming out of the Canyon. It truly was a memorable. Corny as it sounds, for a brief moment I felt that I was part of something bigger.
What I’m Listening To: Devil Town – Bright Eyes, The Killing Moon – Echo & The Bunnymen, & Tunnelvision – Here We Go Magic
Next Stop – Las Vegas
The previous two days had been spent in the most beautiful areas that I have ever been. On Tuesday, we had camped amongst the Red Rocks of Arizona. The next morning, we went swimming at Slide Rock State Park near Sedona. Slide Rock is the kind of place that you imagine only exists in movies, screensavers, and thousand piece jigsaw puzzles. We spent a pretty perfect morning there…natural water slides, 8 foot “cliff diving”, and swimming was exactly what we needed. It is without question the most scenic place I have ever been. Additionally, I learned a cool piece of trivia from one of the locals. Apparently, the nearby high school in Yuma is the only high school in the country with “The Criminals” as their mascot. So if anyone is still shopping for a birthday gift for me, I highly recommend a Yuma Criminals t-shirt.
After leaving Sedona, we headed northwest to catch the sunset at the Grand Canyon. If you haven’t been before, I suggest you make a point to. As Alex said, “Sure it is a hole in the ground, but it is a REALLY BIG hole in the ground!” The sunset was amazing, something photographs don’t ever truly capture. The experience was only made better by a few of the fellow travelers that we met. There were the Philly girls who thought Truong looked like someone who could get them “some tree”. There was NRA Mike who didn’t believe in science, talked a lot about how he wanted to die, and took quite a liking to Tes. There was Robert, a friendly middle aged insurance salesman from Connecticut who we ended up talking to for nearly an hour. But my favorite has to be the 10-year-old boy who witnessed Tes and Emlen kissing and exclaimed “Grandpa! Grandpa! Look!”
The next morning, we woke up at 4:00 AM (!!!) and caught the sunrise over the Canyon. Then, we went on the previously mentioned hike. And it sucked as much as I feared. Truong and Julia coasted (even running for a brief stretch). Tes, Emlen, and Jon seemed to feel it, but never looked too stressed. It kicked my ass. If it would have been practical, I would have quit, put on my Ipod, and went back to bed. Short of a helicopter ride, though, stopping wasn’t an option. Fortunately, everyone took plenty of breaks and was very supportive. When we reached the top, I was surprised to find that I did feel like I accomplished something. I tried to repress it at first, but I couldn’t deny that I felt a real rush coming out of the Canyon. It truly was a memorable. Corny as it sounds, for a brief moment I felt that I was part of something bigger.
What I’m Listening To: Devil Town – Bright Eyes, The Killing Moon – Echo & The Bunnymen, & Tunnelvision – Here We Go Magic
Next Stop – Las Vegas
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Why I’m Having An Identity Crisis Along With The State of New Mexico
Every time I leave any kind of reunion of my college friends, I always find myself in a funk for the next few days. If I haven’t written about it before, I have clearly talked about it ad nauseum. These reunions always leave me homesick. Unfortunately, I’m nostalgic for a home that no longer exists. Everyone is scattered across the country these days, so no matter how much I miss an Alex or a Kevin or a Jennifer or a Blake, I know that it is impossible for me to live in the same place as all of them. That said there is some hope in the not so distant future. Blake has tossed out a plan for everyone to move to Austin by 2015. It is unlikely that everyone will follow through, but not impossible. Austin seems to be in everyone’s top two choices, so really all we have to do is all find jobs. My hope is for Chris to quit consulting, start his own company, and hire all of us. But he might be too smart of a businessman to do that.
After leaving last night from Austin, we drove for about 4 hours before spending the night at a Days Inn in San Angelo. This morning we left bright and early for our first destination: Roswell, New Mexico. Roswell is absolutely as kitschy as you can possibly imagine. The local McDonald’s has a Flying Saucer that “crashed” into the side of the building. The local Wal-Mart has alien faces next to the normal logo. We ate at the “Not of This World Bistro” on a street lined with souvenir shops. The crown jewel, though, was clearly the International UFO Museum and Research Laboratory.
Give me 10,000 words and I’m not sure that I could fully capture everything that was wrong and wonderful about the UFO Museum. First, it is laid out completely backwards. All of the exhibits go from right to left, so it is a little bit like trying to read the Torah. Secondly, there was nothing particularly high tech, such as a “TV” or an “overhead projector”. Most of the evidence was presented in boldface type on 8’1/2 by 11 sheets of paper (complete with numerous typos). Still other evidence was presented in diorama form using the style usually popularized by students in 5th grade science fairs. And lest I forget, the final exhibit is a life-sized model of an alien autopsy. Finally, and in my mind most impressively, was an artist’s rendering of the future “International UFO Museum and Research Laboratory” that they are currently raising funds for (2nd photo). This is what the current museum looks like (it is even less impressive on the inside). I’m sure they are really close to the $50 million dollars that they will surely need.
We stayed the night in Santa Fe, which could not have been any more different than Roswell. Santa Fe and its surrounding area are absolutely gorgeous. Every building is made of adobe and every city block seems to have multiple art galleries. It is a pretty incredible place to visit and I could maybe see myself living there for a couple of months, but I don’t think it would fit me very well for the long term. The average Santa Fe resident (or maybe they were just the tourists drawn to Santa Fe) seemed to be a free-spirited dropout from society. I honestly don’t mean that to sound insulting…I honestly find it to be refreshing and a little inspiring. I just don’t think that I could ever do it. We caught a few songs of an African tribal concert in the city square and there were probably 50 people dancing as if they were in the middle of The Dead’s set at Woodstock. All I could think of at the time was how silly they looked and they had to be poseurs to be dancing like this to some middling world music. Then it hit me…these people really meant it. If it were me, I’d have to fake it. But these people really belonged there.
It was an interesting day in New Mexico, but it left me with more regret than I expected. My high school /freshman year of college girlfriend Sandy has recently moved to Albuquerque and invited us to stay for the night. I haven’t seen her in 9 years, and I felt a little weird about bringing the whole group to our reunion. I briefly considered separating from the group for the night, but then I would have abandoned my brother Jon (who is with us from Austin to San Francisco) with 4 people he just met the day before. And beyond that, I think I was probably a little scared to see her again. Out of every girl I have ever dated, our separation is the only break-up that I still blame on timing. Most relationships I have been in never had much long term potential, or the chemistry was not right. Even Kiley, who I dated for over three years, never would have worked in the long term. The way we see the world just differs too fundamentally.
Sandy was different, though. Who knows what would have happened if I met her at 23 instead of 16. I didn’t love her more than I loved Kiley, but our lives and our interests fit together better. We had similar, evil senses of humor and we saw both saw the world in the same, skewed way. And our conversations always popped in that 40’s Hepburn/Grant kind of way. For people as naturally awkward as us, that is a rare find.
I admit that I probably over thought this invitation for enchiladas and margaritas. It wasn’t like I was going to stop by, immediately fall in love all over again, and abandon the rest of my road trip to live in New Mexico. Nor was I likely to come by, have an awful time, and have ruined all of the memories of the two years that we dated. I am sure that we would have had a pleasant conversation, told a few old stories, and parted as friends. But in the end, I decided it was better to leave the past to nostalgia. It is a decision that I instantly regret.
What I Am Listening To: Counting Down the Hours – Ted Leo & the Pharmacists, Halfway Home – TV on the Radio, & I’ll Be Your Man – The Black Keys
Next Stop: Sedona, AZ
After leaving last night from Austin, we drove for about 4 hours before spending the night at a Days Inn in San Angelo. This morning we left bright and early for our first destination: Roswell, New Mexico. Roswell is absolutely as kitschy as you can possibly imagine. The local McDonald’s has a Flying Saucer that “crashed” into the side of the building. The local Wal-Mart has alien faces next to the normal logo. We ate at the “Not of This World Bistro” on a street lined with souvenir shops. The crown jewel, though, was clearly the International UFO Museum and Research Laboratory.
Give me 10,000 words and I’m not sure that I could fully capture everything that was wrong and wonderful about the UFO Museum. First, it is laid out completely backwards. All of the exhibits go from right to left, so it is a little bit like trying to read the Torah. Secondly, there was nothing particularly high tech, such as a “TV” or an “overhead projector”. Most of the evidence was presented in boldface type on 8’1/2 by 11 sheets of paper (complete with numerous typos). Still other evidence was presented in diorama form using the style usually popularized by students in 5th grade science fairs. And lest I forget, the final exhibit is a life-sized model of an alien autopsy. Finally, and in my mind most impressively, was an artist’s rendering of the future “International UFO Museum and Research Laboratory” that they are currently raising funds for (2nd photo). This is what the current museum looks like (it is even less impressive on the inside). I’m sure they are really close to the $50 million dollars that they will surely need.
We stayed the night in Santa Fe, which could not have been any more different than Roswell. Santa Fe and its surrounding area are absolutely gorgeous. Every building is made of adobe and every city block seems to have multiple art galleries. It is a pretty incredible place to visit and I could maybe see myself living there for a couple of months, but I don’t think it would fit me very well for the long term. The average Santa Fe resident (or maybe they were just the tourists drawn to Santa Fe) seemed to be a free-spirited dropout from society. I honestly don’t mean that to sound insulting…I honestly find it to be refreshing and a little inspiring. I just don’t think that I could ever do it. We caught a few songs of an African tribal concert in the city square and there were probably 50 people dancing as if they were in the middle of The Dead’s set at Woodstock. All I could think of at the time was how silly they looked and they had to be poseurs to be dancing like this to some middling world music. Then it hit me…these people really meant it. If it were me, I’d have to fake it. But these people really belonged there.
It was an interesting day in New Mexico, but it left me with more regret than I expected. My high school /freshman year of college girlfriend Sandy has recently moved to Albuquerque and invited us to stay for the night. I haven’t seen her in 9 years, and I felt a little weird about bringing the whole group to our reunion. I briefly considered separating from the group for the night, but then I would have abandoned my brother Jon (who is with us from Austin to San Francisco) with 4 people he just met the day before. And beyond that, I think I was probably a little scared to see her again. Out of every girl I have ever dated, our separation is the only break-up that I still blame on timing. Most relationships I have been in never had much long term potential, or the chemistry was not right. Even Kiley, who I dated for over three years, never would have worked in the long term. The way we see the world just differs too fundamentally.
Sandy was different, though. Who knows what would have happened if I met her at 23 instead of 16. I didn’t love her more than I loved Kiley, but our lives and our interests fit together better. We had similar, evil senses of humor and we saw both saw the world in the same, skewed way. And our conversations always popped in that 40’s Hepburn/Grant kind of way. For people as naturally awkward as us, that is a rare find.
I admit that I probably over thought this invitation for enchiladas and margaritas. It wasn’t like I was going to stop by, immediately fall in love all over again, and abandon the rest of my road trip to live in New Mexico. Nor was I likely to come by, have an awful time, and have ruined all of the memories of the two years that we dated. I am sure that we would have had a pleasant conversation, told a few old stories, and parted as friends. But in the end, I decided it was better to leave the past to nostalgia. It is a decision that I instantly regret.
What I Am Listening To: Counting Down the Hours – Ted Leo & the Pharmacists, Halfway Home – TV on the Radio, & I’ll Be Your Man – The Black Keys
Next Stop: Sedona, AZ
Monday, July 13, 2009
Why People Should Continue To Get Married
I love weddings. Couples, marriage, and children still make me nervous, but there is little I enjoy more than a friend’s wedding. This is especially true when I’m in the wedding party. When you’re in the wedding party, you have the chance to get to see the whole operation. Free meals, early groundwork conversations with the bridesmaids, and minor celebrity status for the night are just a few of the benefits. You may not be John or Paul, but you can at least be George.
And although Kevin and Lynn had the gall to only have two groomsmen and relegate me to the position of usher, I was still very excited for their big day. Chris was the best man and Reid and Jeff were the other two ushers, so I knew we have a good time playing poker while waiting for the ceremony. And the wedding was very nice. The bride looked beautiful, no one flubbed their lines, and Kevin even won me $5 off of Chris by not crying during the wedding ceremony (although he didn’t pay me!).
But everyone knows the wedding is only for the couple and their families. The rest of us just smile, nod our heads, and try not to be conspicuous about checking our watches as we wait for the reception to commence. This reception had numerous factors that made it likely to be a particularly debaucherous one. The night doubled as Blake’s 30th birthday, Rob and Swick showed up without their wives, Dave brought his, Jennifer didn’t drink the night before, it was Alex and Lisa’s first wedding since their own, and I brought Julia with me to add to the fun. Oh, and Jeff was there. That last one is usually enough on its own to make any open bar an event. The following is a list of awards that I am giving out from the reception and post-party. If these awards seem a little me-centric, it is because a)I was in especially rare form, and b) I didn’t have the opportunity to do a full Sunday morning recap with everyone due to travel plans. If you have any other memories, please feel free to share them in the comments section. Here are the best of my drunken memories:
BEST STORYTELLER – Julia, “The Nora Chronicles” – Within minutes of arriving at the reception, Julia asked me if I knew Nora. Nora is a running friend of Kevin’s who I had met a few times before. When I said I did, Julia presented me with her theory (I’m paraphrasing): “She sat in front of me at the wedding and I could tell right away she was a runner, so I started talking her. I asked her if she was friends with the bride or the groom, she said groom, so I asked her how she knew him. She said, “Well, we ran together.” So I said, “Were you running partners?” and she said, “Well…we used to be. Kevin doesn’t run much anymore”. And the way, she said it, it was just so sad. So I watched her during the wedding and at the reception and I’m convinced that Nora is in love with Kevin.” I kind of laughed Julia’s theory off at first, but as I watched her at the reception I was nearly convinced
BEST INSTIGATOR – Sui – I’m always equal parts excited and nervous when I’m out with Sui. If you have never been out with her before, she is a force of nature. I don’t think there was a moment I didn’t have at least one drink in my hand, a fact that I blame partially on Sui. And I definitely blame some of my later actions on her, as well.
BEST BEST MAN – Chris – I am good friends with Chris, but we are not particularly close. I still think that I might make him my best man, just because he did such a good job at Kevin’s wedding. He found poker chips for the groomsmen and ushers before the wedding. He took videos at the reception (we’ll hear more about these later) and managed to be an annoyingly probing interviewer. He also gave a fantastic best man speech. And this was even without his best line, which he was afraid might be too vulgar for some of the crowd. “The reason Kevin is really marrying Lynn is because she is the only woman in Kevin’s life that Munoz hasn’t slept with.”
BEST WING MAN – Lynn’s maid of honor’s father (MOFH) – Early in the night, MOFH overheard Jeff tell a girl that he was shipping out in the morning. Suitably impressed, the MOFH kept track of Jeff the rest of the night, periodically quoting him back the best lines that he overheard.
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A BUDDY COMEDY – Julia, Lisa, & Sui – Before the wedding, Julia was a little worried about not knowing too many people and feeling awkward at the wedding. Fortunately Sui (who she knew from Boston) and Lisa (who we stayed with in Atlanta) helped make this a non-issue. Every time I looked over, they were dancing, chatting, or laughing uproariously. Occasionally, I’d step over and hear some story that I didn’t want to. My favorite moment was when one of them decided that they had had enough of the reception. Her alternate suggestion, “Let’s go get some pot, smoke it, and then go get cupcakes from the cupcake trailer!” She very nearly won everyone over.
MOST TROUBLESOME OMEN FOR FUTURE WEDDINGS – The Garter Toss – With yet another wedding, the pool of “single” guys trying to catch the garter is getting noticeably smaller. Out of my friends, only Blake (serious relationship), Reid (new, but seemingly serious relationship), Jeff, and I were out there trying to catch it. I’m having this recurring nightmare of being out there by myself at Jeff’s wedding one day…
MOST LIKELY TO GIVE ALEX NIGHTMARES – Lisa and Reena , talking – Speaking of bad dreams, late in the reception I saw Lisa’s wife and his ex chatting like old friends. I looked at Alex, searching for comforting words, and he just said “I know, buddy. I know.”
BEST DANCERS – Jim Rammage & Julia – Several drinks into the night and nearing the end of the reception, I had a brainstorm. I grabbed Julia’s hand and led her over to Kevin’s parents. I asked Marianne to dance, and Julia immediately recognized what was going on and offered Jim her hands. At this point (at least in my drunken imagination) the dance floor cleared. While Marianne and I enjoyed a simple dance, I looked over to see Jim twirling Julia around the dance floor. They looked like they were competing on “Dancing With The Stars”. It is probably my favorite memory of the whole night.
BEST VIDEO CAMEOS – Me – All night, Chris was taking videos using his new cell phone sized digital video camera. I filmed my first video before the wedding, basically congratulating the couple and wishing them well. At the reception, though, things got a little dicier. Chris spent the reception interviewing some of the guests for “Advice for the Wedding Couple from Single People”. Basically, I think this was his way of winding up Jeff and I and watching us go. At the beginning of the night, I did a good job of keeping my dignity and avoiding Chris’s camera. Towards the end of the reception, however, I clearly decided that there had to be video evidence of how drunk I was. Judge for yourself, but I’m not sure which of my three videos is my favorite. Is it:
a)Interrupting Jennifer’s video in attempts to embarrass her, only to have Chris turn the tables by saying, “You two used to be a couple. What did you do wrong that Kevin and Lynn can learn from?”
b)Pretending to be Reena’s fiancé in her video, talking about how much I spent on her ring, and encouraging the couple to “have lots of sex”.
c)Post-reception, insisting on a do-over of my video with Jennifer where I explained exactly where our relationship went wrong. In my opinion, we only worked when we were both drunk. Direct quote – “If we main-lined alcohol 24/7, then we would be great together.
BEST ROOMMATES – Jeff & Reid – In addition to letting my friends and I stay at their apartment, it was adorable to watch Reid take care of Jeff. After the reception, a large group of us decided to continue the night downtown. As Reid put it, this is where Jeff turned the corner. He was stopping every two steps to try to talk to every single girl he saw. Pick-up lines included such gems as “Nice brown hair!” and “Good job being skinny!” At this point, Reid realized that they were never going to make it to the bar unless he took control, so he grabbed Jeff by the collar of his coat and literally steered him through the streets of Austin.
STORY I’D MOST LIKE TO HEAR – Jeff’s missing 30 minutes at the Driskill hotel bar – At the reception, Jeff struck up a long conversation with Mary, a friend of Lynn and Swick’s from high school. I think he liked her, but got to a point where he was too drunk to be charming. Fast forward 3 hours, during which Jeff and Mary barely spoke. At the Driskill, Mary said her goodbyes and left to catch a cab. Jeff followed her out matter-of-factly, as if it was a foregone conclusion that they would leave together. Everyone laughed and expected Jeff to return immediately. Surprisingly, he didn’t. After 30 minutes, Reid decided that he had to investigate the situation and prepared for a long search to locate Jeff. Fortunately, the search ended immediately. He found Jeff standing quietly by himself in a corner near the front of the hotel.
Smoothest Moves (Part 1) – Me, trying to hit on Jen at the Driskill – At some point, I decided that Jennifer and I were both drunk enough to be compatible again. I was right that we were both drunk enough, but the compatibility was a big question. I am not exactly sure what I said, but I did succeed in getting her to sit on my lap. Then I used my most subtle lines like “We should go home together…you know, for fun”. The fact that she was staying with her parents and I was sharing a living room with 5 other people didn’t dissuade me, but amazingly she managed to decline.
Smoothest Moves (Part 2) – Me (a few minutes later) – Ok, at this point I was really drunk. I’m guessing that I was drunker than I realized, because this story doesn’t make any sense the way that I remember it. If anyone witnessed it, feel free to correct me. But since all we have is my fuzzy recall, I’ll proceed with my version of the story. I was talking to this girl that I had briefly spoken to at the wedding when she tried to teach me the Thriller dance (The next day, I learned her name was Anne and that she is one of Reid’s friends). Anyways, I remember walking up to her and telling her to go around the corner with me “so that people will think we are making out”. Amazingly, she followed. And more amazingly, she started making out with me. (Does this sound like a realistic chain of events to you? Me neither. But that is what I remember). Clearly, this was way more than I bargained for. I pulled away and yelped, “I have a date!” She asked “Is she your girlfriend?” and I think I turned around long enough to say no as I ran to the safety of Julia. So, Anne, if you are reading, no hard feelings?
Most Successful Tantrum – Me, again– When I finally made it back to Jeff’s apartment, Emlen claims it was the drunken that she had ever seen me. Even though everyone was sleeping, I made a lot of noise demanding that someone help me find my pillow. After a few minutes of carrying on, someone finally relented and gave me a spare pillow. Flush with success, I found myself a spot on the floor and promptly fell asleep…2 inches from my pillow.
What I’m Listening To: Hangover Days – Jason Collett, The King of Carrot Flowers – Neutral Milk Hotel, & I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother’s Heart – The White Stripes
Next Stop: Roswell & Santa Fe, NM
And although Kevin and Lynn had the gall to only have two groomsmen and relegate me to the position of usher, I was still very excited for their big day. Chris was the best man and Reid and Jeff were the other two ushers, so I knew we have a good time playing poker while waiting for the ceremony. And the wedding was very nice. The bride looked beautiful, no one flubbed their lines, and Kevin even won me $5 off of Chris by not crying during the wedding ceremony (although he didn’t pay me!).
But everyone knows the wedding is only for the couple and their families. The rest of us just smile, nod our heads, and try not to be conspicuous about checking our watches as we wait for the reception to commence. This reception had numerous factors that made it likely to be a particularly debaucherous one. The night doubled as Blake’s 30th birthday, Rob and Swick showed up without their wives, Dave brought his, Jennifer didn’t drink the night before, it was Alex and Lisa’s first wedding since their own, and I brought Julia with me to add to the fun. Oh, and Jeff was there. That last one is usually enough on its own to make any open bar an event. The following is a list of awards that I am giving out from the reception and post-party. If these awards seem a little me-centric, it is because a)I was in especially rare form, and b) I didn’t have the opportunity to do a full Sunday morning recap with everyone due to travel plans. If you have any other memories, please feel free to share them in the comments section. Here are the best of my drunken memories:
BEST STORYTELLER – Julia, “The Nora Chronicles” – Within minutes of arriving at the reception, Julia asked me if I knew Nora. Nora is a running friend of Kevin’s who I had met a few times before. When I said I did, Julia presented me with her theory (I’m paraphrasing): “She sat in front of me at the wedding and I could tell right away she was a runner, so I started talking her. I asked her if she was friends with the bride or the groom, she said groom, so I asked her how she knew him. She said, “Well, we ran together.” So I said, “Were you running partners?” and she said, “Well…we used to be. Kevin doesn’t run much anymore”. And the way, she said it, it was just so sad. So I watched her during the wedding and at the reception and I’m convinced that Nora is in love with Kevin.” I kind of laughed Julia’s theory off at first, but as I watched her at the reception I was nearly convinced
BEST INSTIGATOR – Sui – I’m always equal parts excited and nervous when I’m out with Sui. If you have never been out with her before, she is a force of nature. I don’t think there was a moment I didn’t have at least one drink in my hand, a fact that I blame partially on Sui. And I definitely blame some of my later actions on her, as well.
BEST BEST MAN – Chris – I am good friends with Chris, but we are not particularly close. I still think that I might make him my best man, just because he did such a good job at Kevin’s wedding. He found poker chips for the groomsmen and ushers before the wedding. He took videos at the reception (we’ll hear more about these later) and managed to be an annoyingly probing interviewer. He also gave a fantastic best man speech. And this was even without his best line, which he was afraid might be too vulgar for some of the crowd. “The reason Kevin is really marrying Lynn is because she is the only woman in Kevin’s life that Munoz hasn’t slept with.”
BEST WING MAN – Lynn’s maid of honor’s father (MOFH) – Early in the night, MOFH overheard Jeff tell a girl that he was shipping out in the morning. Suitably impressed, the MOFH kept track of Jeff the rest of the night, periodically quoting him back the best lines that he overheard.
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A BUDDY COMEDY – Julia, Lisa, & Sui – Before the wedding, Julia was a little worried about not knowing too many people and feeling awkward at the wedding. Fortunately Sui (who she knew from Boston) and Lisa (who we stayed with in Atlanta) helped make this a non-issue. Every time I looked over, they were dancing, chatting, or laughing uproariously. Occasionally, I’d step over and hear some story that I didn’t want to. My favorite moment was when one of them decided that they had had enough of the reception. Her alternate suggestion, “Let’s go get some pot, smoke it, and then go get cupcakes from the cupcake trailer!” She very nearly won everyone over.
MOST TROUBLESOME OMEN FOR FUTURE WEDDINGS – The Garter Toss – With yet another wedding, the pool of “single” guys trying to catch the garter is getting noticeably smaller. Out of my friends, only Blake (serious relationship), Reid (new, but seemingly serious relationship), Jeff, and I were out there trying to catch it. I’m having this recurring nightmare of being out there by myself at Jeff’s wedding one day…
MOST LIKELY TO GIVE ALEX NIGHTMARES – Lisa and Reena , talking – Speaking of bad dreams, late in the reception I saw Lisa’s wife and his ex chatting like old friends. I looked at Alex, searching for comforting words, and he just said “I know, buddy. I know.”
BEST DANCERS – Jim Rammage & Julia – Several drinks into the night and nearing the end of the reception, I had a brainstorm. I grabbed Julia’s hand and led her over to Kevin’s parents. I asked Marianne to dance, and Julia immediately recognized what was going on and offered Jim her hands. At this point (at least in my drunken imagination) the dance floor cleared. While Marianne and I enjoyed a simple dance, I looked over to see Jim twirling Julia around the dance floor. They looked like they were competing on “Dancing With The Stars”. It is probably my favorite memory of the whole night.
BEST VIDEO CAMEOS – Me – All night, Chris was taking videos using his new cell phone sized digital video camera. I filmed my first video before the wedding, basically congratulating the couple and wishing them well. At the reception, though, things got a little dicier. Chris spent the reception interviewing some of the guests for “Advice for the Wedding Couple from Single People”. Basically, I think this was his way of winding up Jeff and I and watching us go. At the beginning of the night, I did a good job of keeping my dignity and avoiding Chris’s camera. Towards the end of the reception, however, I clearly decided that there had to be video evidence of how drunk I was. Judge for yourself, but I’m not sure which of my three videos is my favorite. Is it:
a)Interrupting Jennifer’s video in attempts to embarrass her, only to have Chris turn the tables by saying, “You two used to be a couple. What did you do wrong that Kevin and Lynn can learn from?”
b)Pretending to be Reena’s fiancé in her video, talking about how much I spent on her ring, and encouraging the couple to “have lots of sex”.
c)Post-reception, insisting on a do-over of my video with Jennifer where I explained exactly where our relationship went wrong. In my opinion, we only worked when we were both drunk. Direct quote – “If we main-lined alcohol 24/7, then we would be great together.
BEST ROOMMATES – Jeff & Reid – In addition to letting my friends and I stay at their apartment, it was adorable to watch Reid take care of Jeff. After the reception, a large group of us decided to continue the night downtown. As Reid put it, this is where Jeff turned the corner. He was stopping every two steps to try to talk to every single girl he saw. Pick-up lines included such gems as “Nice brown hair!” and “Good job being skinny!” At this point, Reid realized that they were never going to make it to the bar unless he took control, so he grabbed Jeff by the collar of his coat and literally steered him through the streets of Austin.
STORY I’D MOST LIKE TO HEAR – Jeff’s missing 30 minutes at the Driskill hotel bar – At the reception, Jeff struck up a long conversation with Mary, a friend of Lynn and Swick’s from high school. I think he liked her, but got to a point where he was too drunk to be charming. Fast forward 3 hours, during which Jeff and Mary barely spoke. At the Driskill, Mary said her goodbyes and left to catch a cab. Jeff followed her out matter-of-factly, as if it was a foregone conclusion that they would leave together. Everyone laughed and expected Jeff to return immediately. Surprisingly, he didn’t. After 30 minutes, Reid decided that he had to investigate the situation and prepared for a long search to locate Jeff. Fortunately, the search ended immediately. He found Jeff standing quietly by himself in a corner near the front of the hotel.
Smoothest Moves (Part 1) – Me, trying to hit on Jen at the Driskill – At some point, I decided that Jennifer and I were both drunk enough to be compatible again. I was right that we were both drunk enough, but the compatibility was a big question. I am not exactly sure what I said, but I did succeed in getting her to sit on my lap. Then I used my most subtle lines like “We should go home together…you know, for fun”. The fact that she was staying with her parents and I was sharing a living room with 5 other people didn’t dissuade me, but amazingly she managed to decline.
Smoothest Moves (Part 2) – Me (a few minutes later) – Ok, at this point I was really drunk. I’m guessing that I was drunker than I realized, because this story doesn’t make any sense the way that I remember it. If anyone witnessed it, feel free to correct me. But since all we have is my fuzzy recall, I’ll proceed with my version of the story. I was talking to this girl that I had briefly spoken to at the wedding when she tried to teach me the Thriller dance (The next day, I learned her name was Anne and that she is one of Reid’s friends). Anyways, I remember walking up to her and telling her to go around the corner with me “so that people will think we are making out”. Amazingly, she followed. And more amazingly, she started making out with me. (Does this sound like a realistic chain of events to you? Me neither. But that is what I remember). Clearly, this was way more than I bargained for. I pulled away and yelped, “I have a date!” She asked “Is she your girlfriend?” and I think I turned around long enough to say no as I ran to the safety of Julia. So, Anne, if you are reading, no hard feelings?
Most Successful Tantrum – Me, again– When I finally made it back to Jeff’s apartment, Emlen claims it was the drunken that she had ever seen me. Even though everyone was sleeping, I made a lot of noise demanding that someone help me find my pillow. After a few minutes of carrying on, someone finally relented and gave me a spare pillow. Flush with success, I found myself a spot on the floor and promptly fell asleep…2 inches from my pillow.
What I’m Listening To: Hangover Days – Jason Collett, The King of Carrot Flowers – Neutral Milk Hotel, & I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother’s Heart – The White Stripes
Next Stop: Roswell & Santa Fe, NM
Sunday, July 12, 2009
How to Spend Your Time In Austin
First, a quick note. I’m writing two posts about our time in Austin. The next one, will deal with all things involving Kevin’s wedding. This one will be a quick notes column dealing with the other three days we spent there. Let’s go…
- The first night that we were in Austin, Truong separated from our group to “Couch Surf” at the home of a girl he met on the Couch Surfing website. For those of you too lazy to read about it, the stated goal of the site is to bring together people who believe that traveling should be about more than tourist traps and Super 8s…it is about meeting people and making connections. If Truong’s experiences are the norm, that it is clearly accurate…as long as the people you are “making connections” with are of the preferred sex. Truong claims that he only stays with girls because it is safer…I’m guessing it is because CouchSurfing.org functions more than a little like JDate for hippies.
- My 20-year-old sister Meaghan came up to hang out for the first night that we were in Austin. It was fun to catch up, although it was alternately scary and hilarious to hear her stories of drinking and boys. My favorite story, involved my brother Jon, who is perennially underemployed. One time this spring, my dad called Meaghan and asked her if she knew what Jon was doing for work. When she replied that he was working for a standardized testing company, he seemed relieved. When she asked why, he replied “I was afraid he might be dealing drugs”. When I relayed this story to Jon, he paused and responded “Maybe I should consider that.”
- After Meaghan left Austin, Jeff joined the girls and I at rooftop bar on 6th Street. By this point, we were well into the night thanks to $2 drinks everywhere. This led to an interesting dancing competition between Emlen and Julia. Emlen started it off by dancing by herself on the wall to the song “Get Off The Wall”. Two songs later, Julia may have topped it by doing an interpretative dance throughout the bar to the Andy Samberg song I’m On A Boat. There may have been 15 people in the bar at the time.
- Pamm flew in to Austin the next morning to join us for the weekend. After spending the afternoon in the algae covered waters at Barton Springs, we ended up closing the night at the new “It” bar in Austin, The Lustre Pearl. The Lustre Pearl is very Austin…every beer is served in a souvenir cozy. There is a huge outdoor patio complete with a taco stand, ping pong, Beirut tables, and giant hula hoops (Pamm smoked Truong in a contest…we have video evidence). While we were there, Emlen decided it would be funny to make one of Jeff’s female friends jealous and pretend to be his girl for the night. At the time, it didn’t seem to be too effective. But by 9:30 the next morning, Jeff had received a text message asking “Who was that girl?”
- While we were having a fantastic time at the Lustre Pearl, Tes was visiting with her old roommate in San Antonio. The next morning we hadn’t heard from her yet, so we went to tour the Texas State Capital Building. As we were entering, Emlen received a text saying “In a brawl last night. Car and all of my stuff gone. Can’t talk now”. Fortunately it turned out that none of those things were as bad as they sounded.
- There were plenty of other hijinks that I was not a part of due to rehearsal, wedding, and hangover responsibilities. These include, but are not limited to watching the bats under the bridge, hanging out with religious storm troopers, visiting the first Whole Foods, hanging out at McKinney Falls, and Truong accidentally mistaking a middle-aged ladies’ bar for a country western saloon.
What I’m Listening To: No One Sleeps When I’m Awake – The Sounds, Let The Cool Goddess Rust Away – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, & Your Protector – Fleet Foxes
Next Stop: Wedded Bliss
- The first night that we were in Austin, Truong separated from our group to “Couch Surf” at the home of a girl he met on the Couch Surfing website. For those of you too lazy to read about it, the stated goal of the site is to bring together people who believe that traveling should be about more than tourist traps and Super 8s…it is about meeting people and making connections. If Truong’s experiences are the norm, that it is clearly accurate…as long as the people you are “making connections” with are of the preferred sex. Truong claims that he only stays with girls because it is safer…I’m guessing it is because CouchSurfing.org functions more than a little like JDate for hippies.
- My 20-year-old sister Meaghan came up to hang out for the first night that we were in Austin. It was fun to catch up, although it was alternately scary and hilarious to hear her stories of drinking and boys. My favorite story, involved my brother Jon, who is perennially underemployed. One time this spring, my dad called Meaghan and asked her if she knew what Jon was doing for work. When she replied that he was working for a standardized testing company, he seemed relieved. When she asked why, he replied “I was afraid he might be dealing drugs”. When I relayed this story to Jon, he paused and responded “Maybe I should consider that.”
- After Meaghan left Austin, Jeff joined the girls and I at rooftop bar on 6th Street. By this point, we were well into the night thanks to $2 drinks everywhere. This led to an interesting dancing competition between Emlen and Julia. Emlen started it off by dancing by herself on the wall to the song “Get Off The Wall”. Two songs later, Julia may have topped it by doing an interpretative dance throughout the bar to the Andy Samberg song I’m On A Boat. There may have been 15 people in the bar at the time.
- Pamm flew in to Austin the next morning to join us for the weekend. After spending the afternoon in the algae covered waters at Barton Springs, we ended up closing the night at the new “It” bar in Austin, The Lustre Pearl. The Lustre Pearl is very Austin…every beer is served in a souvenir cozy. There is a huge outdoor patio complete with a taco stand, ping pong, Beirut tables, and giant hula hoops (Pamm smoked Truong in a contest…we have video evidence). While we were there, Emlen decided it would be funny to make one of Jeff’s female friends jealous and pretend to be his girl for the night. At the time, it didn’t seem to be too effective. But by 9:30 the next morning, Jeff had received a text message asking “Who was that girl?”
- While we were having a fantastic time at the Lustre Pearl, Tes was visiting with her old roommate in San Antonio. The next morning we hadn’t heard from her yet, so we went to tour the Texas State Capital Building. As we were entering, Emlen received a text saying “In a brawl last night. Car and all of my stuff gone. Can’t talk now”. Fortunately it turned out that none of those things were as bad as they sounded.
- There were plenty of other hijinks that I was not a part of due to rehearsal, wedding, and hangover responsibilities. These include, but are not limited to watching the bats under the bridge, hanging out with religious storm troopers, visiting the first Whole Foods, hanging out at McKinney Falls, and Truong accidentally mistaking a middle-aged ladies’ bar for a country western saloon.
What I’m Listening To: No One Sleeps When I’m Awake – The Sounds, Let The Cool Goddess Rust Away – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, & Your Protector – Fleet Foxes
Next Stop: Wedded Bliss
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Why I Can’t Fully Relate To Generation Y
I’ve been noticing the age difference between my travel companions and myself in various ways throughout the trip. I have many more friends who are married and have kids. Hangovers don’t seem to be nearly as debilitating for them. The most striking evidence that I’m older comes whenever we listen to the car radio. The rental van that we are driving has SiriusXM radio, which has been nothing short of a godsend. Sure, there is something to be said for experiencing the regional color through local radio ads, but I prefer actually listening to music. The problem arises when we have to pick a station. I didn’t think this would be an issue because the people I’m traveling with generally have good taste in music. Unfortunately, I didn’t count on the 90’s on 9.
The 90’s on 9 plays everything that ever played on Top 40 radio stations during that decade. This isn’t so bad for the first day or so. If I have to tolerate the odd Alanis Morisette or Deep Blue Something song to rediscover some forgotten classics from The Black Crowes, Better than Ezra, and Arrested Development, it is totally worth it. About Day 2, the songs start to become repetitive but the sing-a-longs don’t stop. Mariah Carey… sing-a-long. Those Mambo Number 5 guys… sing-a-long. Tag Team is back again for another sing-a-long.
By Day 3, this was starting to slowly drive me crazy. But on Day 4, I had a revelation. It wasn’t that everyone else in the van had suddenly lost their taste; it was that this wasn’t about music at all. This was childhood nostalgia. Their love for these crappy songs is the same as my love for Bon Jovi, Guns ‘n Roses, and Young MC. My nostalgia and musical blind spots are just more likely to appear on the 80’s on 8. Once I realized the reason behind this, I began to find the 90’s on 9 much more enjoyable. Just as long as I don’t have to listen to that insufferable LFO song one more time…
We spent 2 nights in Houston recovering from the all of the alcohol that we had consumed the previous 3 nights. We made it to Star Pizza and Amy’s Ice Cream, but beyond that I quickly remembered that there is absolutely nothing touristy to do in Houston. So instead, it gave me a chance to catch up with my family and hang out by my dad’s pool. Relaxed and recharged, we headed off to Kevin’s wedding weekend in my favorite city in the country…Austin, TX.
What I’m Listening To: All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket, Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms, & Ditty - Paperboy
Next Stop: Austin
The 90’s on 9 plays everything that ever played on Top 40 radio stations during that decade. This isn’t so bad for the first day or so. If I have to tolerate the odd Alanis Morisette or Deep Blue Something song to rediscover some forgotten classics from The Black Crowes, Better than Ezra, and Arrested Development, it is totally worth it. About Day 2, the songs start to become repetitive but the sing-a-longs don’t stop. Mariah Carey… sing-a-long. Those Mambo Number 5 guys… sing-a-long. Tag Team is back again for another sing-a-long.
By Day 3, this was starting to slowly drive me crazy. But on Day 4, I had a revelation. It wasn’t that everyone else in the van had suddenly lost their taste; it was that this wasn’t about music at all. This was childhood nostalgia. Their love for these crappy songs is the same as my love for Bon Jovi, Guns ‘n Roses, and Young MC. My nostalgia and musical blind spots are just more likely to appear on the 80’s on 8. Once I realized the reason behind this, I began to find the 90’s on 9 much more enjoyable. Just as long as I don’t have to listen to that insufferable LFO song one more time…
We spent 2 nights in Houston recovering from the all of the alcohol that we had consumed the previous 3 nights. We made it to Star Pizza and Amy’s Ice Cream, but beyond that I quickly remembered that there is absolutely nothing touristy to do in Houston. So instead, it gave me a chance to catch up with my family and hang out by my dad’s pool. Relaxed and recharged, we headed off to Kevin’s wedding weekend in my favorite city in the country…Austin, TX.
What I’m Listening To: All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket, Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms, & Ditty - Paperboy
Next Stop: Austin
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Why I Love New Orleans
There were no near death experiences. No one was in a fight or physically thrown from a bar. No one hid from clowns. There were not any Mexican standoffs, no human circles in the park, nor were there any food fights. No one met a girl on Bourbon Street, took her home, and later refused to buy her breakfast (cough, Dr. Jeff, cough). No one even threw up in his or her own hand (cough…).
That doesn’t mean that this trip to New Orleans wasn’t a memorable experience. We ate oysters, crawfish, muffalettas, jambalaya, gumbo, and po-boys. We drank oversized sugary drinks as we watched a fireworks display over the Mississippi River. We gambled and toured the 9th Ward and Garden District. We got warned by the cops not to wear bandanas on Bourbon Street. We started spontaneous dance parties to horrible cover bands.
I love New Orleans. I love the liberal open container laws and the legalized gambling. I love the policemen high-fiving drunken tourists in the middle of the street. I love that the city has the best food in the world. I love the underlying sense of danger. I love that the city draws out and celebrates every one of my vices. I love that the entire time you are in the city, you feel as if your life is a movie.
I could never live there, but I cannot wait to go back.
What I’m Listening To – Crying Lightning – Arctic Monkeys, Stillness Is The Move – The Dirty Projectors, & That Summer, At Home I Had Become The Invisible Boy – The Twilight Sad
Next Stop: Houston (for two nights, to decompress)
That doesn’t mean that this trip to New Orleans wasn’t a memorable experience. We ate oysters, crawfish, muffalettas, jambalaya, gumbo, and po-boys. We drank oversized sugary drinks as we watched a fireworks display over the Mississippi River. We gambled and toured the 9th Ward and Garden District. We got warned by the cops not to wear bandanas on Bourbon Street. We started spontaneous dance parties to horrible cover bands.
I love New Orleans. I love the liberal open container laws and the legalized gambling. I love the policemen high-fiving drunken tourists in the middle of the street. I love that the city has the best food in the world. I love the underlying sense of danger. I love that the city draws out and celebrates every one of my vices. I love that the entire time you are in the city, you feel as if your life is a movie.
I could never live there, but I cannot wait to go back.
What I’m Listening To – Crying Lightning – Arctic Monkeys, Stillness Is The Move – The Dirty Projectors, & That Summer, At Home I Had Become The Invisible Boy – The Twilight Sad
Next Stop: Houston (for two nights, to decompress)
Sunday, July 05, 2009
What its Like to be "Walking in Memphis"
On the 4th of July in Memphis, Emlen and I found ourselves in one of the classic age-old arguments between men and women. First, a little background. At some point during the night, Truong and I split off from the girls for a couple of hours. While we were apart, the girls met some guys from Arkansas who got them into a club for free and were buying them drinks. Eventually, Truong I met back up with all of them. Here is where our loud, drunken argument began. The problem, which I didn’t realize until the sobriety of morning, is that we were arguing over very different points.
Emlen sat down and I joked that they were using those boys for the free drinks. She argued that I was just jealous they were getting the attention (a line that set me off at the time because it probably contained more than an element of truth) and that the drinks were a bonus and that they were really just enjoying pleasant conversation. Now here is where the argument came apart.
Em argument was based in the broader hypocrisy of society. She said that since boys have unrealistic and unfair expectations that buying drinks=sex (or at least a make out), she has every right to accept the drinks guilt free. She further argued that since she offered to buy the guys’ drinks too, she was morally clear (a point I probably should have conceded at the time).
My argument was much narrower, focusing on girls in relationships. I argued that if a guy offers to buy a drink for a girl he just met, it is clearly a declaration of interest. I believe that if the girl is in a relationship, she should let the guy know up front. If he still wants to buy her drinks and hang out to enjoy the conversation, fair play. But if a girl intentionally hides the fact that she is dating someone, then she is clearly using the guy for some gain. I had no problem that the girls were doing this (I don’t think that this is a capital crime or anything) but I was livid that the girls wouldn’t admit that they were being manipulative. I’m guessing that if we revisited subject when sober, we still would not have come to a complete agreement.
Here are a few other quick notes from our night in Memphis that I am not a good enough writer to weave into a coherent narrative:
-Tes, Emlen, Julia, and Truong did a full, windows-down, sing-a-long video to Marc Cohn’s Walking in Memphis when we first drove into the city. They did so without any sarcasm.
-When we first got to the city, we went to the National Civil Rights Museum which was built around the motel where Martin Luther King was assassinated. The museum was well-done and informative, but it wasn’t having much effect on me. Then I walked through a full size model of the bus that Rosa Parks wouldn’t move from. As I walked in, I saw a lone black man sitting by himself in the back of the bus looking shattered. The impact that this exhibit was having on him was one of the most moving things I have ever seen.
-When Truong and I were split off from the girls, we stopped and watched a street performer named Captain Unmanageable who was attempting to film a pilot for his own reality show. He was pretty talented (kind of like a young Bob Schneider), but what I couldn’t get over was the diversity of his three “hype men”. The first looked like a pot-bellied Ossie Davis. The second resembled what Michael Cera would have looked like if he dressed up as a Blues Brother for Halloween on season one of Arrested Development. The third was a dead ringer for Ron Perlman, if he moonlighted as a mafia enforcer. So strange…
-Finally, Truong clearly had the most eventful night in Memphis. The four of us were intoxicated and left Beale Street in a cab around midnight, but Truong decided to stay out and soak up the atmosphere. Before going to sleep, I talked to him and he told me that he set some record on a mechanical bull. I’m not sure exactly what happened after that (I’m not sure he is either), but let me relay the two text messages that I received from him that night:
4:12 AM – im in troubele hanging out wit folks I shouldnt be in a place I shouldnt be…just ordered fried okra though so all is good
4:45 AM – someone just got shot!!!
Fortunately, by the time I read these, he was safely asleep in the hotel room.
What I’m Listening To: Young Adult Friction – The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, You! Me! Dancing! – Los Campesinos!, & 16 Days - Whiskeytown
Next Stop: 2 Nights in New Orleans
Emlen sat down and I joked that they were using those boys for the free drinks. She argued that I was just jealous they were getting the attention (a line that set me off at the time because it probably contained more than an element of truth) and that the drinks were a bonus and that they were really just enjoying pleasant conversation. Now here is where the argument came apart.
Em argument was based in the broader hypocrisy of society. She said that since boys have unrealistic and unfair expectations that buying drinks=sex (or at least a make out), she has every right to accept the drinks guilt free. She further argued that since she offered to buy the guys’ drinks too, she was morally clear (a point I probably should have conceded at the time).
My argument was much narrower, focusing on girls in relationships. I argued that if a guy offers to buy a drink for a girl he just met, it is clearly a declaration of interest. I believe that if the girl is in a relationship, she should let the guy know up front. If he still wants to buy her drinks and hang out to enjoy the conversation, fair play. But if a girl intentionally hides the fact that she is dating someone, then she is clearly using the guy for some gain. I had no problem that the girls were doing this (I don’t think that this is a capital crime or anything) but I was livid that the girls wouldn’t admit that they were being manipulative. I’m guessing that if we revisited subject when sober, we still would not have come to a complete agreement.
Here are a few other quick notes from our night in Memphis that I am not a good enough writer to weave into a coherent narrative:
-Tes, Emlen, Julia, and Truong did a full, windows-down, sing-a-long video to Marc Cohn’s Walking in Memphis when we first drove into the city. They did so without any sarcasm.
-When we first got to the city, we went to the National Civil Rights Museum which was built around the motel where Martin Luther King was assassinated. The museum was well-done and informative, but it wasn’t having much effect on me. Then I walked through a full size model of the bus that Rosa Parks wouldn’t move from. As I walked in, I saw a lone black man sitting by himself in the back of the bus looking shattered. The impact that this exhibit was having on him was one of the most moving things I have ever seen.
-When Truong and I were split off from the girls, we stopped and watched a street performer named Captain Unmanageable who was attempting to film a pilot for his own reality show. He was pretty talented (kind of like a young Bob Schneider), but what I couldn’t get over was the diversity of his three “hype men”. The first looked like a pot-bellied Ossie Davis. The second resembled what Michael Cera would have looked like if he dressed up as a Blues Brother for Halloween on season one of Arrested Development. The third was a dead ringer for Ron Perlman, if he moonlighted as a mafia enforcer. So strange…
-Finally, Truong clearly had the most eventful night in Memphis. The four of us were intoxicated and left Beale Street in a cab around midnight, but Truong decided to stay out and soak up the atmosphere. Before going to sleep, I talked to him and he told me that he set some record on a mechanical bull. I’m not sure exactly what happened after that (I’m not sure he is either), but let me relay the two text messages that I received from him that night:
4:12 AM – im in troubele hanging out wit folks I shouldnt be in a place I shouldnt be…just ordered fried okra though so all is good
4:45 AM – someone just got shot!!!
Fortunately, by the time I read these, he was safely asleep in the hotel room.
What I’m Listening To: Young Adult Friction – The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, You! Me! Dancing! – Los Campesinos!, & 16 Days - Whiskeytown
Next Stop: 2 Nights in New Orleans
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Why Tes, Emlen, and Truong Reimagined the Blair Witch Project
I’ve never understood why people choose to own cat. In Nashville, we stayed with my college friend Jennifer and her cat, Dobby. Dobby is crazy, insecure, vicious, and sheds bad enough to cause both Emlen and Julia to have severe allergic reactions. But Dobby has one thing going for him…he likes me. While he forced Julia to sleep out in the van and stalked Truong like he was prey (motivating him to make a Blair Witch-style documentary with Tes and Emlen called “Escape from Dobby”), he just followed me around harmlessly and cuddled with me when I slept on the couch. I have low standards has the good taste to like me…if someone or something likes me, they are aces in my book.
I’m not sure if we saw the “real” Nashville, but we definitely saw the stereotype. We went out pretty hard for the first time on this trip to a strip of bars downtown. Very interesting scene. Every place had a live band, no one charged a cover and there was country music galore. Everywhere you turned, people were wearing sleeveless shirts, cowboy hats, and boots. I have never seen so many people my parents’ age out at bars. I kept telling everyone that if I’m single at 45, I’m moving to Nashville.
I would probably never go down to this street of bars if I was a local, but as a tourist it was fantastic. We were drinking fast and I even danced sober, which is a sight rarer than the albino squirrel in Jamaica Plain. Truong was dancing with women twice his age, Julia, Tes, and Emlen were taking turns rejecting skeevy guys, and we were all having a fantastic time.
A few hours into the night, my friend Lauren from Rice met us out. Calling Lauren “a friend from Rice” is probably a little disingenuous …sure, we both went to Rice, but not at the same time. I may have graduated a couple years before meeting her when she was an 18 year old freshman. Hopefully, that will be the only time I break the “Half + 7” rule. Now, she’s 24, looks amazing and it was fantastic to catch up with her without having to worry about an Amber Alert being issued.
After many more drinks, we were flirting a little heavier and dancing a little closer. It was nearing 2 AM, though, and all of my Boston friends were ready to leave. At this point, I had a decision to make. I could a) split a cab with the four of them and go home for the night, or b) stay at the bar with Lauren, leaving them to go back to an apartment of someone they don’t know and face off with a cat that they were all either terrified of or allergic to. Unsurprisingly, I chose option b. For a little while, it seemed like I made the right decision. We drank, we held hands, we danced. But one of her friends had a mini-crisis, and I was suddenly taking a $40 cab ride home, alone. The previous paragraph was sponsored by fmylife.com.
Today (July 3rd) was primarily a recovery day between a debaucherous night in Nashville and a sure to be entertaining 4th in Memphis. We did a couple touristy things in Nashville this morning (Grand Ole Opry, Parthenon) and then drove and camped out just north of Memphis at Meehan-Shelby State Park. After Tes grilled us some delicious steaks, I commenced blackjack lessons in advance of our eventual Las Vegas trip. We have a lot of work to do.
What I’m listening to: Tiny Dancer – Elton John, Glory Box – Portishead, & Road is My Religion – Murs.
Next Stop: Memphis for the 4th of July, followed by 2 nights in New Orleans!
I’m not sure if we saw the “real” Nashville, but we definitely saw the stereotype. We went out pretty hard for the first time on this trip to a strip of bars downtown. Very interesting scene. Every place had a live band, no one charged a cover and there was country music galore. Everywhere you turned, people were wearing sleeveless shirts, cowboy hats, and boots. I have never seen so many people my parents’ age out at bars. I kept telling everyone that if I’m single at 45, I’m moving to Nashville.
I would probably never go down to this street of bars if I was a local, but as a tourist it was fantastic. We were drinking fast and I even danced sober, which is a sight rarer than the albino squirrel in Jamaica Plain. Truong was dancing with women twice his age, Julia, Tes, and Emlen were taking turns rejecting skeevy guys, and we were all having a fantastic time.
A few hours into the night, my friend Lauren from Rice met us out. Calling Lauren “a friend from Rice” is probably a little disingenuous …sure, we both went to Rice, but not at the same time. I may have graduated a couple years before meeting her when she was an 18 year old freshman. Hopefully, that will be the only time I break the “Half + 7” rule. Now, she’s 24, looks amazing and it was fantastic to catch up with her without having to worry about an Amber Alert being issued.
After many more drinks, we were flirting a little heavier and dancing a little closer. It was nearing 2 AM, though, and all of my Boston friends were ready to leave. At this point, I had a decision to make. I could a) split a cab with the four of them and go home for the night, or b) stay at the bar with Lauren, leaving them to go back to an apartment of someone they don’t know and face off with a cat that they were all either terrified of or allergic to. Unsurprisingly, I chose option b. For a little while, it seemed like I made the right decision. We drank, we held hands, we danced. But one of her friends had a mini-crisis, and I was suddenly taking a $40 cab ride home, alone. The previous paragraph was sponsored by fmylife.com.
Today (July 3rd) was primarily a recovery day between a debaucherous night in Nashville and a sure to be entertaining 4th in Memphis. We did a couple touristy things in Nashville this morning (Grand Ole Opry, Parthenon) and then drove and camped out just north of Memphis at Meehan-Shelby State Park. After Tes grilled us some delicious steaks, I commenced blackjack lessons in advance of our eventual Las Vegas trip. We have a lot of work to do.
What I’m listening to: Tiny Dancer – Elton John, Glory Box – Portishead, & Road is My Religion – Murs.
Next Stop: Memphis for the 4th of July, followed by 2 nights in New Orleans!
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Where I Learned Virginians Are Nuts
You can learn a lot about a person from camping with them. Who knew that Julia is an outdoorswoman, that Tes can make a mean eggs over easy on a Bunsen burner, that Truong builds a quality fire without quality supplies, or that Emlen is an excellent bartender, even while working hard to avoid the detection from the park ranger. Who ever heard of an alcohol free campsite? Pshaw!
We camped for the first of what will be numerous times in southwest Virginia at a place called Lake Claytor. We originally planned to make it down to Asheville, NC, but were sidetracked by the numerous attractions that Virginia has to offer. Did you know Virginia has a black market zoo where you can have your picture taken holding a baby tiger? (They do, but we skipped the photo) Did you know that 2 miles down the road, there is a scale model of Stonehenge made entirely of Styrofoam? Did you know that only 2 miles further, there is a giant dinosaur park complete with Tyrannosaurus Rex statues eating Civil War re-enactors? How could someone not get side-tracked?
The next day, we made it to Asheville for a quick tour of the city. We didn’t stay for too long, but I absolutely loved the city. It is like they took Austin, shrunk it, removed the government and the obnoxious UT fans, and dropped it into the middle of the mountains. I’m not sure what the occasion will be, but I hope to make it back someday soon and I’d recommend anyone do the same.
After we left Asheville, we headed into the Blue Ridge Mountains to Chimney Rock Park. This area is where Last of the Mohicans was filmed. Everyone was pumped to hike to the base of the waterfall used in a famous scene from the movie. Well, almost everyone. I grew up in Nebraska. It is famous for being flat. I live in Houston for 8 years, a city that is mainly below sea level. I do not enjoy high elevation, I do not see the point of walking up graded hills for fun, and I am generally a big baby. I tried hard not to show my misery, but my lack of poker face betrayed me. Well, it was either that, or the flop sweat and the wheezing. The waterfall was very beautiful when we did reach it and I may enjoy hiking by the end of this trip, but I was ecstatic when we headed back to civilization.
We stayed the night in Atlanta with the recently married Alex and Lisa. The problem with Alex and Lisa is that they are very nearly perfect and there is not much I can say to make fun of them. Perfect wedding? Probably the most fun one I have ever been to. Perfect house? You should see their deck, their backyard, the ridiculous man cave of a basement. Perfect dog? Except for the fact that it was named after a St. Louis Cardinal, yep. Even their lack of height is perfectly proportional. It is like you took the perfect couple, and just shrunk them a little bit. Spend 5 minutes with them and it is very apparent how in love they are. They gently tease each other, they finish each other sentences, but they are somehow still lots of fun. It is enough to make a single person gag.
Finally, major congratulations are due to G for his recent engagement to Emily. We have been begging him to lock her down for years. She is so far out of his league that there should be university researchers studying the couple.
What I’m listening to: Use Somebody – Bat for Lashes, The Absence of God – Rilo Kiley, & Like I Needed – Rogue Wave
Next stop: Nashville
We camped for the first of what will be numerous times in southwest Virginia at a place called Lake Claytor. We originally planned to make it down to Asheville, NC, but were sidetracked by the numerous attractions that Virginia has to offer. Did you know Virginia has a black market zoo where you can have your picture taken holding a baby tiger? (They do, but we skipped the photo) Did you know that 2 miles down the road, there is a scale model of Stonehenge made entirely of Styrofoam? Did you know that only 2 miles further, there is a giant dinosaur park complete with Tyrannosaurus Rex statues eating Civil War re-enactors? How could someone not get side-tracked?
The next day, we made it to Asheville for a quick tour of the city. We didn’t stay for too long, but I absolutely loved the city. It is like they took Austin, shrunk it, removed the government and the obnoxious UT fans, and dropped it into the middle of the mountains. I’m not sure what the occasion will be, but I hope to make it back someday soon and I’d recommend anyone do the same.
After we left Asheville, we headed into the Blue Ridge Mountains to Chimney Rock Park. This area is where Last of the Mohicans was filmed. Everyone was pumped to hike to the base of the waterfall used in a famous scene from the movie. Well, almost everyone. I grew up in Nebraska. It is famous for being flat. I live in Houston for 8 years, a city that is mainly below sea level. I do not enjoy high elevation, I do not see the point of walking up graded hills for fun, and I am generally a big baby. I tried hard not to show my misery, but my lack of poker face betrayed me. Well, it was either that, or the flop sweat and the wheezing. The waterfall was very beautiful when we did reach it and I may enjoy hiking by the end of this trip, but I was ecstatic when we headed back to civilization.
We stayed the night in Atlanta with the recently married Alex and Lisa. The problem with Alex and Lisa is that they are very nearly perfect and there is not much I can say to make fun of them. Perfect wedding? Probably the most fun one I have ever been to. Perfect house? You should see their deck, their backyard, the ridiculous man cave of a basement. Perfect dog? Except for the fact that it was named after a St. Louis Cardinal, yep. Even their lack of height is perfectly proportional. It is like you took the perfect couple, and just shrunk them a little bit. Spend 5 minutes with them and it is very apparent how in love they are. They gently tease each other, they finish each other sentences, but they are somehow still lots of fun. It is enough to make a single person gag.
Finally, major congratulations are due to G for his recent engagement to Emily. We have been begging him to lock her down for years. She is so far out of his league that there should be university researchers studying the couple.
What I’m listening to: Use Somebody – Bat for Lashes, The Absence of God – Rilo Kiley, & Like I Needed – Rogue Wave
Next stop: Nashville
What We Did In Baltimore
When traveling cross country in 2009, a good GPS unit is essential. Unfortunately, our GPS has been temperamental, lazy, and a little dumb (it insists that Atlanta is not a city in Georgia). With all of these qualities, it is not surprising that we have named it after a particularly lackluster employee of the organization that we all worked for. Let’s say we named it Ron*. Ron now provides us with a common enemy when we are frustrated, so we don’t have to turn on each other so early in the trip. “Shut up, Ron!” and “Ron doesn’t know what he is talking about!” work better than getting short with Tes or Truong. Ron also provides an outlet for group bonding and decision-making tests. “Should we trust Ron here or just rely on the atlas?” Here are some notes from the first night in Baltimore.
We spent our first night at Truong’s brother An’s ridiculous three story apartment in the Canton neighborhood of Baltimore. Prior to this trip, I had only seen very poor parts of Baltimore and the touristy Inner Harbor area. Canton was very nice though…I could definitely see it being a fun place to live. There were lots of little bars and shops within a few blocks and it had a very neighborhood feel. An also had this fantastic roof top deck that overlooked the harbor that we ended up hanging out on for most of the night. It was great to see my friend Meaghan, too, even if it was just for a little while.
After dinner, we went to Camden Yards to watch the Orioles-Red Sox Game. As you might expect, there were at least as many Red Sox fans as Orioles fans in the stadium bringing back bad memories of Cubs-Astros games in Houston. At the game, the row of six (hopefully) college-aged fans directly in front of us was pretty entertaining. They showed up mid-way through the third inning, reeking of alcohol. Within ten minutes, one of the girls (we’ll call her Drunky) passes out with her head falling between Tes’s legs. All of her friends thought this was hilarious. The girl sitting next to Drunky (we’ll call her Mouthy) thought that the best course of action was to slap Drunky across the face. This was no stage slap…this was a slap that echoed throughout the stadium. Drunky grimaced a little, but hardly stirred. At this point, Truong accidentally spilled his beer on the girl sittirng in front of him (we’ll call her Bitchy). Truong apologized profusely, but the girl wouldn’t hear any of it. She kept insisting that he owed her a beer, even though it was his beer that he spilled. Truong smartly refused…this girl may have been over 19. After this all died down, Mouthy got excited and high-fived me after the Orioles made a good play (it couldn’t have been too good…the Sox won 4-0). After the high five, Mouthy complained that I shouldn’t have high-fived her broken hand. Seeing no bandages or visible bruises and remembering the fact that she high-fived me, I decided to humor her and ask how she “broke” it. I’ll let her explain: “I have no idea. After work the other night, I got went out and got wasted. When I woke up my hand really hurt. I told my mom and she yelled, ”You have to sue them for worker’s comp!”. So I may do that." Maybe I don’t miss college girls after all.
*definitely not what we named it
Songs I'm Listening To: Foundations - Kate Nash, Bad Education - Tilly and the Wall, & The Sun Ain't Shining No More - The Asteroids Galaxy Tour
Next Stops: Virginia, Asheville, Atlanta (already happened, will write about soon) Nashville tonight.
We spent our first night at Truong’s brother An’s ridiculous three story apartment in the Canton neighborhood of Baltimore. Prior to this trip, I had only seen very poor parts of Baltimore and the touristy Inner Harbor area. Canton was very nice though…I could definitely see it being a fun place to live. There were lots of little bars and shops within a few blocks and it had a very neighborhood feel. An also had this fantastic roof top deck that overlooked the harbor that we ended up hanging out on for most of the night. It was great to see my friend Meaghan, too, even if it was just for a little while.
After dinner, we went to Camden Yards to watch the Orioles-Red Sox Game. As you might expect, there were at least as many Red Sox fans as Orioles fans in the stadium bringing back bad memories of Cubs-Astros games in Houston. At the game, the row of six (hopefully) college-aged fans directly in front of us was pretty entertaining. They showed up mid-way through the third inning, reeking of alcohol. Within ten minutes, one of the girls (we’ll call her Drunky) passes out with her head falling between Tes’s legs. All of her friends thought this was hilarious. The girl sitting next to Drunky (we’ll call her Mouthy) thought that the best course of action was to slap Drunky across the face. This was no stage slap…this was a slap that echoed throughout the stadium. Drunky grimaced a little, but hardly stirred. At this point, Truong accidentally spilled his beer on the girl sittirng in front of him (we’ll call her Bitchy). Truong apologized profusely, but the girl wouldn’t hear any of it. She kept insisting that he owed her a beer, even though it was his beer that he spilled. Truong smartly refused…this girl may have been over 19. After this all died down, Mouthy got excited and high-fived me after the Orioles made a good play (it couldn’t have been too good…the Sox won 4-0). After the high five, Mouthy complained that I shouldn’t have high-fived her broken hand. Seeing no bandages or visible bruises and remembering the fact that she high-fived me, I decided to humor her and ask how she “broke” it. I’ll let her explain: “I have no idea. After work the other night, I got went out and got wasted. When I woke up my hand really hurt. I told my mom and she yelled, ”You have to sue them for worker’s comp!”. So I may do that." Maybe I don’t miss college girls after all.
*definitely not what we named it
Songs I'm Listening To: Foundations - Kate Nash, Bad Education - Tilly and the Wall, & The Sun Ain't Shining No More - The Asteroids Galaxy Tour
Next Stops: Virginia, Asheville, Atlanta (already happened, will write about soon) Nashville tonight.
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